Untitled

Sometimes, I ask myself this question

‘Why am I still living?’

Because it all brings sadness

And twisted controversies

Yes, I truly have no clue

To why I’ve chosen this route

When my existence means nothing

To every living thing

Dear God,

I know

People pray for safety and they pray

For love

They also pray for peace

To lighten upΒ their world

And I used to be

One of them

Maybe ten years ago

But fate struck me like a hammer blow

So I gave up on that hope

I pray for You to take me away

And do whatever You want

Perhaps lock me up in Hell

Or disintegrate my self

But all in all as I go

Leave everyone out of this

No one deserves to everΒ know

Me andΒ my insanity

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56 thoughts on “Untitled

  1. Please don’t do anything drastic! Your life matters. I won’t lie and say I know how you feel. Each of us handle life in our own ways. I’ve been married and divorced twice. Both were painful. I’ve had struggles with addiction. I’ve been jailed. I’ve lost my license which took away my ability to provide for myself. I survived. I’m now rebuilding my life.After ten years I got my license back. I have a good job. I’m still not ready a relationship yet, but I hope to find the right one for me sometime.
    Don’t ever give up on you. You are the only person you can control. Others may or may not change because of your actions. You can turn your life around and be happy again. If I could do it, you can too. Good luck and GOD bless.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh my, you’re such a hero! Thank you so much for understanding me and having such faith for me. It’s really wonderful and touching. Wow, if only I had your strength… You’ve been through so much and I’m really glad to know that you’re back on track! Well done! Yes, you’re right. Thank you so much for this tiny piece of advice. It means a lot to me! Back to you too:)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have the strength. It is apparent in your writings. It takes courage to expose your feelings to others and I commend you, not just for doing it, but also for doing it in a lovely fashion.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you so much. I am really lost for words… you know, that feeling when someone appreciates your doings and understanding them… It means the world to me and I hope you know that. Certainly, I have found pretty much of strength from your kind words and poetry. Please continue with this inspiration. I can’t wait to read your next piece of work!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s funny because only when you despise yourself can you begin to love yourself! Only when you realise that the valley is the foot of the mountain can you start climbing towards the tip. Hope God hears your prayers and replace your old self with your new you… just don’t die. Nice piece

    Liked by 3 people

  3. When I ask myself that question, “Why am I still living?” I get random feelings and answers inside my head, like “Maybe I’m still waiting for something or someone.” “Maybe there’s someone out there who want me to live.” or “Maybe I fear death or loss, I can’t imagine a place where everything and everyone I like or have met doesn’t exist anymore. Would they remember me after a few years?” Then there are times that I actually don’t want to know the answers, but just wish I have the courage and strength to deal with it.

    You write pretty well. haha, better than most people, and definitely better than me too. =) Looking forward to reading more of your work.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re definitely humbling yourself. I’ve read your works and certainly enjoyed each and every one of them. Thank you so much for being able to empathise on how I feel whenever I think of such random questions, especially when it relates to death. This poem just shows one part of it. I am sure you’ll find yours in no time when the answers come to you, so don’t worry and live life to the fullest! Write hard if it’s what that keeps you alive. No, you flatter me too much! πŸ™‚ It’s actually my first time taking writing seriously although I’ve been cultivating the love for it since I was young and there’s still so much for me to learn and improve on! Thank you for the faith and I hope I won’t be disappointing you with my upcoming works. Looking forward to yours too! All the best!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the compliment. I’m utterly touched by your kindness, understanding and faith for me. Yes, thank you for realising how scared I actually was to be judged by others when they read this… They might think that I was just tryna “attract attention” through my poems which it’s definitely not so. Writing is one of the most comfortable ways I can express my feelings though loads of them still remain unexpressed. And bottling them up suffocates me. Furthermore, if I were to die (which I’m not afraid to anymore) now, it will be too early bcs there are still so many things left unsaid and undone. So, yeah. Thank you once again for all that’s been said and done. I wish you’ll never fall back into such emptiness and stay happy and positive for as long as forever. I hope I will make it through too… Have a good day!

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      1. I am trusting that you, like me, write poetry when the pain is so great there is nothing but to do it. I remind my friends and family that these are just snapshots of moments in time, and not the whole of my story.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I can identify with this heavily. I spent the majority of my life in deep depression. I’m actually bipolar but my ups just look like really happy with insomnia and irritability thrown in the mix. Anyway, I have since learned that it’s a lie that my existence is irrelevant. I would ask God to draw those reasons out of the woodwork for you — and when He does, don’t be like I was, rationalizing why it wouldn’t actually matter to them how I died or they’d eventually get over it, etc. πŸ˜‰ Those are lies, too.

    We can feel things so strongly, it’s near impossible to believe that they aren’t true. But if we measure our feelings against God’s Word — even just a lot of the Psalms and Proverbs! — we will find out how much of what we feel is literally a feeling, floating around, completely disconnected from any kind of truth. Like balloons without strings just wibble-wobbling in space…

    So capture some truth strings for yourself and tie them on to those balloons. Cheesy analogy aside, I can tell you from personal experience — it doesn’t make the feelings go away but it gives you something to hold onto when they come around. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awwe, thank you so much for even bothering to write something so long and so meaningful and so caring for me… It’s heartfelt and absolutely worth the thought for. Thank you so much for having such faith in me and I just want you (or perhaps, others) to know that although I may seem to be drowning in my sorrows forever, I am actually still struggling to get out of it. It’s gonna take long but with all you beautiful souls around, I’m sure I’m gonna make it sooner or later. Yes, I do understand how tough your battles were. I guess we’re just the same, with bipolarity destructing our lives. Thank you so much for the prayers, I promise to return the favour immediately. Nahh, it doesn’t sound cheesy, it’s downright sweet and I can’t take it anymore 😦 Recently, I searched high and low for my bible but I couldn’t find it so right now I’m currently relying on the bible app on my phone bcs none of my family members are true Christian Believers… and perhaps after I’ve saved enough, I’ll buy a new one all for myself! I can picture your personal experiences from the words you spun in your poems and I certainly feel a connection between us and God. Please don’t stop inspiring others with your love for God and poetry. You’re gonna make it big anytime. Cheers!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. P.S. There IS one kind of person who deserves to know you in your insanity and those are the ones who will stick around no matter what. I have a couple of people like that in my life. Literally, a small few — but they are enough to keep me going. I hope you find the ones God made just for you. ❣

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You just made me smile… And I can’t seem to find the right words now but basically, thank you SO MUCH for your concerns… They mean A LOT to me and I hope you know that as well. Well I hope I’ll be able to find them soon. Still struggling with my relationship with Him but one thing I’m sure of is that He exists and He won’t forsake us. Thank you once again. I’m just utterly touched x

      Liked by 2 people

      1. No matter how much we struggle, what I have discovered is that HE is always holding on to us! Very comforting in times when it feels like I’m losing my hold on Him. Wishing you the very best and I hope we get to connect even more via our individual blogs. ^_^

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I totally feel every word here. It’s like you’re in my mind, and that’s scary because I wouldn’t wish what I feel on my worst enemy… if I had a worst enemy, or an enemy. Seriously, I don’t even have a single hater. That’s really depressing.

    But I do understand this concept of not knowing why I’m here or why I should be here, this action of giving up on things like hope and faith. Really, I have no reason to hope for the things I’m not going to get anyway and faith is something that abandoned me long ago. And even though I would like to not wake up in the morning, I do, probably because God knows I hate that (we have the most wonderful relationship, God and me).

    Still, there is one positive thing I can say about the shit I go through: I understand what it feels like. And because I understand it, I don’t want anyone else to feel the same way. So even in my hopeless, faithless, completely fucked (not in a good way) life, I still, somehow, find it within myself to smile for someone who needs a smile. To make someone laugh because they need to laugh. To talk with someone who needs someone to talk to. If I can help someone else to feel even slightly better, well, then I don’t feel so useless. And maybe, with someone having a bad day who I can get to smile, maybe for that one instance, I’ve answered that question of why I’m still here.

    That said, I really hope this comment didn’t add to your not so good feelings. That wasn’t my intention. I simply wanted to show that I understand, that I get it. I don’t know why it came out this way. I seriously wanted to say something funny that would make you smile. I’m usually good at being funny, mostly when I’m saying something stupid. You know, like, “People call me flamin’ nuts and I agree. If you took a pair of testicles and set them on fire, that’d be me.”

    It’s stupid and it rhymes. Oh my God…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. How does it even add to my not so good feelings? I was practically smiling to myself like a little kid while reading this because it’s really so sweet! And I read this not just once, not just twice BUT countless of times hehehehe still can’t get over the sense of worthiness. It feels good to know that there’s somewhere out there who fits into my shoes and understand what I am tryna imply through my not so professional poems. And it makes me realise how not so unworthy I am to some people at least…Thank you so much for taking your time out just to type this! It means a lot to me and I hope you’ll know how grateful I am for your faith and confidence in me. Thank you so so so so so damn much! πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜˜ yes, you’re cute hehehe

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How does it add? I don’t know. I wasn’t feeling good when I wrote it and I just had this self-conscious thought of, “God, I hope I’m not passing anything negative along.” It’s just something I try to be aware of when I’m not feeling good. Sometimes I think I may be a little too aware and start second guessing. And then I start second guessing my second guessing (which I can’t call third guessing because two times two is four so I think it would be skipping straight to fourth guessing). But anyway, yeah, that happens with me at times.

        And thank you for the kind words. It’s good to know that there’s someone out there who has shoes I can fit into. My feet are strange like that. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ okay I must admit that you DO have a sense of humour and I hope you can use it to make others AS WELL AS YOURSELF feel better during bad days. Cheers and have a great day ahead!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. You liked one of my posts, so I decided to check out your blog. I had no idea what that fateful click would bring. I read your latest entry and my heart stopped. I read your comments and started crying. There is so much love and support in your writing and your blog friends. Beautiful. I look forward to sitting with a box of tissues and catching up with your writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. this comment itself is extremely touching 😒😒😒 thank you so much for havin such faith in my works! I’m really glad to know that you’ve found a platform where you can comfortably relate all your feelings and depressed thoughts to. You write extremely well and your handwriting is adorable. I hope you will see the beauty in yourself through whatever you write and appreciate the beauty you fail to see in yourself. Thank you so much for the support and really really really hope that you’ll get through this soon. I know it sounds clichΓ© and easier than done but you get the idea, yeah? Don’t give up when times are tough. Be a survivor. Live, love, laugh. And make sure you do so not out of force, but out of will. All the best and I hope you’ll inspire many others the way you’ve inspired me to keep on writing. Thank you so much omg I’m so grateful to have found you!!! Will be looking forward to yours as well and in the meantime, STAY STRONG!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Life and Death…we are literally caught in the middle. What is odd to me is that more people don’t question their existence and importance. Maybe they do…but only the rare few are brave enough to expose their questions, doubts, fear and pain. Your bravery is eloquent my dear! You are not alone in the struggle for wanting to know more about both.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for the sweet compliment and words of motivation. Yes, I’m sure of that and I decided to post this hoping that it will serve as a holding ground to those who find themselves wandering around without an aim. Thank you SO MUCH for being able to see through this and being kind enough to remind me that I’m not alone in this. As for you, I haven’t visited your site yet though I’ve already read some of your posts (WHICH I TRULY ENJOYED WITHOUT A DOUBT) so maybe later in the day when I’m free I shall take a meaningful tour in your site:)

      Liked by 1 person

  9. It takes strength to pen such strong emotions, this might just be the answer you need. You are living to inspire people with your words and work and find help and help others with the courage you emit from your piece, knowing what you want and wanting to know why you are here.The Greater one is a revealer and give Him time and you will understand why you are here

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    1. Thank you so much for such a motivating comment plus compliment. I feel like you’re flattering me too much but I’m still very grateful for that. Yes, I am pinning all my trust in Him since there’s no one (not even myself) who I can really truth with no doubts. You’re an inspiration too! And I must thank Him for allowing us to meet via such a situation. May He always live in you and have a blessed day! Keep fighting!

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  10. Your poems express such rawfulness and exposure to the sadness of the mind, it leaves my heart faltering to beat. Whatever, whenever, however you feel that it’s time you stopped praying for safety, it isn’t. People want to know you, they deserve to know you – pain and all, glory and the tears.

    Your poetry is amazing and reflects such sadness, yet it opens the eyes to those who cannot understand what ones mind can do to ones self.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg, I am so touched by your beautiful compliments. I feel extremely embarrassed to accept such grandness in your praises… Thank you so much! This (as well as the previous sweer comments) really made my day and I hope you know that! You’re an extremely caring and kind person! And I hope you’ll be able to get out of this vicious cycle trapping you in since forever. Because, well, the whole world has to know you as well! You’re really good with evaluation and you’re smart. Most of all, beautiful inside out. Stay strong hun x and thanks again for everything! I’m srsly touched beyond words 😒😘

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad I made your day, although probably a small part of it. Accept the compliments with no embarrassment because it showcases your talent, so take pride in it πŸ˜‰ awh thank you for the compliments. :*

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  11. Oh thats so touching and a terrible state of mind. Not good for a young and a charming girl such as you. I feel lonely most of the time and I feel God has forsaken me but still i live through it and move on. Most of us feel low, neglected and lonely. Those are emotions. They come and go. Writing poems and expressing your feelings is great. Just keep it at that okay? You are a wonderful poet at such young age. Boy oh boy! Keep writing. World needs sweet people like you. Did you click that yourself? ..and btw, thanks a lot for liking my poem! That means a lot to me. God bless you. Have a nice time πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you SO MUCH for such a lovely compliment. You’re very charming and inspiring as well, don’t you know that? πŸ™‚ And thanks for being able to fathom the simplicity in here. You’re very kind! Well, of course, all these are mine. No one helped me to write. I wrote them all on my own especially when I am alone:) well, your poems are awesome and honest. I like that. Well, your comment on this post means a lot to me too! Thank you, may He be with you wherever you go, whatever you do. Thanks and have a good day ahead!

      Like

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